The Three Lidl Pigs

Once upon a time there were three small pigs who worked for Lidl Supermarket. Where they worked won’t be terribly significant again for the rest of the story, but it’s one of the things that they had in common and it’s how they met… so it’s a useful starting point. Another thing that the three small pigs had in common was that they were each in the process of building a house.

The first pig liked to do everything by the book. He had filled out all the correct documents at the bank and he was never out of his solicitor’s office applying for grants, and making sure he had permission to use a certain type of brick, and being in compliance with all the regulations. One day, he was at the site where finally the house was starting to be built out of bricks which the government had signed off on. The walls were only about one foot high when a wolf came along and threatened to eat the pig. Without a house to hide in, the small pig bolted. He ran as fast as his trotters could carry him towards his neighbour and co-worker in Lidl, who was erecting a house made out of sticks.

The wolf thought to himself – “I bet this small pig is going to try to find a friend’s house to hide in. I’ll chase him a bit, but I won’t catch him. I’ll let him to lead me to his pal’s house, and then I’ll eat the pair of them.”

“Let me in. Let me in!” squealed the first small pig as he got near the stick house owned by the second small pig.

“Oh you can come in alright,” the second pig laughed, “I have no door yet. I went for a stick build, so while I’m much faster than you, with your brick house that probably won’t be finished this side of doomsday, it’s not quite done yet… so come on in, and take a seat. I’ll put on the kettle for a cup of tea.”

“A cup of tea?!” yelled the first pig. “I don’t think you understand the danger we are in. I’m being chased by a wolf!”

“Well why did you run in my direction? Who am I? The Jean Claude Van Damme of pigs?” In spite of the impending danger, he spotted a pun that he could hardly resist – “Jean Claude Van Ham.”

With that the two small pigs turned to see the wolf at the end of the drive. He was walking like a psychopath on his two hind legs with an evil grin gritted across his furry jowl.

“Come on… run!” the two small pigs said to one another in unison.

Now, even though the second pig had given out to the first pig for coming to him whilst being chased by a wolf, he was a bit of a hypocrite, and decided that when his life was on the line, he ought to run towards the third Lidl pig’s house.

The third pig’s house was made out of straw… which might sound a bit flimsy, but look, it was a house, and it had a door, and he was a small pig, so when he started his build, he thought, “I’ll fly this house up. I’ll stack a few straw bales, get a few bits and pieces from the centre aisle at Lidl where I work… then I’ll stick on a door, sleep on the floor… I’m not fussy, and I don’t want to spend the next years of my life getting planning permission and dealing with engineers, when I could take an afternoon off work, throw up a grand little dwelling… spend barely anything… and be done with it.”

He was sitting in his main room. It was an open plan house. Suddenly, he heard his two co-workers from Lidl squeaking and squealing for him to open his door because they were being chased by a wolf.

The third small pig looked out the window and could see the two small pigs sprinting with all their might while the psychopathic wolf followed behind, sauntering almost… keeping his distance, but also making sure that he never lost sight of his quarry.

“I know what that wolf us up to. Waiting to see where these two eegits will lead him… hoping to treble his feast.”

He swung open his straw door. “Come in quick, you pair of absolute buffoons,” he said as they dived past the threshold.

The wolf came down the drive. He laughed as he eyed the straw house. “Not a very sturdy shelter there lads, is it? Do you want to do away with the formalities? Just come out so we can get this over with?”

The third pig had a smart mouth. “Oh… no… go ahead with the formalities. I’d love to hear them.”

“You’re only going to make me hungry if I have to go through all this. At the moment, I might only have room in my belly for two small pigs… or even one and a half if I knew I was going to have biscuits for my dessert. Have you got some biscuits in there?”

“Have you any biscuits? the first pig asked the third pig. “Maybe we can negotiate with this fellow… talk him down to only eating one of us… or one and a half?”

The third pig was horrified at this suggestion. “Are you mad? I mean… it’s a terrible idea… who wants to decide which one of us gets to be eaten or half eaten? And also… you are assuming you could trust this wolf in the first place… which you couldn’t… look at him… walking around on his hind legs like a psychopath. Not a chance.”

“No. You’re right. We have to be united,” agreed the second pig.

“You’re right lads. You’re right,” agreed the first pig. “Sorry. I’m ashamed of myself for suggesting it. Sorry… this is my fault. If I’d just let him eat me up at that building site I call a gaff, and not gone running and dragging you two into this… neither of you would be in this situation.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” said the third pig. He wasn’t a hypocrite. “Survival trumps dignity every time. I’d have done the same thing. But… look… we are here now… and I just think… well… just… let’s let this play out… and we’ll stick together.”

“Right.”

“Right.”

“Okay small pigs,” growled the wolf. “We’ll go through the formalities.” He knocked on the straw door whilst saying the line – “Lidl pigs Lidl pigs, please let me in.”

To which the pigs replied – “not by the hairs on our chinny chin chins.”

“Right… let me think… what’s next?” said the wolf.

“You’ll huff and you’ll puff,” said the second pig.

“Yes… that’s right… thanks.. I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down!”

“This is so scary,” said the first pig. “The house is only straw. What if he blows it down?”

“I don’t know,” said the second pig. “To be fair… it’s made of straw bails. They’re very sturdy. He’d want to have some blow on him to be able to knock it.”

The wolf prepared himself to produce the most powerful puff of his life. He sucked as much breath into his lungs as he possibly could… and then… his eyes started to water… there was a panicky look in them.. as he held his chest and began to wheeze.

“Inhaler… inhaler…” he gasped.

“Look at that now,” said second pig. “The straw house was the safest bet after all. He’s having an asthma attack. It must be all the sucking in of breath he was doing at your straw door, which is full of dust and pollen. He’s had an allergic reaction. Look at him… he’s crawling away up the drive.”

“He’s not up on his hind legs now,” said the third pig. He opened the door. “You’re not up on your hind legs now,” he said to the wolf.

“Inhaler…”

“Inhaler? You want me to get you your inhaler. Oh sure… and as soon as you get your strength back, the first thing you’ll do is eat me. You must think me a fool. No way will I fetch your inhaler.”

“Pl…ease…”

“And… you can know this too… by the time you’re back up on your hind paws, my two co-workers here will have their own straw houses built. I got this one done in the space of an afternoon… so you needn’t think about coming back tomorrow when you’re feeling better. I’ll tell you what else. We’ll be getting ourselves some straw hats… and straw jackets… and straw shoes for our little crubeens too… so as to be sure that if you ever come near us again, you’ll have another asthma attack for yourself… so now… scuttle off with yourself, and don’t be bothering me or my two pals ever again.”

And with that, the first and second pigs, who, truth be told, had originally looked down their snouts at the third pig, because he had opted for a straw build, were taught a hard lesson. What was that lesson? That it’s often better to get a job done quickly and expeditiously, and not to be foostering around with bricks and sticks and government bureaucracy. And also – don’t ever be too proud, or certain that you’re right, because life has a funny way of exposing us all for being the nincompoops that we probably are.

The End.